Fruits and Roots

I also posted this on the House Blog.

I wanted to share this not as a call for advice, but because I wanted to let you in on some of what I am going through. I think some of the principles I have learned in the past (and am learning still) that apply here can apply to a lot of different situations for different people. My specific battle (or at least the one I discuss here) is with Procrastination, but for you it could be something different. Anywho, here's a piece of my life as it is at the moment. Maybe there's some stuff in it for you, too.

When I was in MC, the director, Lloyd, often stressed to us that "the highest form of government is self-government." And for me, whether or not that is exactly true (is it truly the highest?) doesn't matter so much as the point he was making. Self-government is not only important, but it is essential, pivotal, indespensible, to living a godly life. Among the nine fruits of the spirit is Self Control, which at least falls under the heading of Self Government, if it's not synonymous with it (and I think it is). It is a fruit that I greatly desire.

There are some areas for me where I have a great deal of self control. There are others, however, where I am severely lacking. And I guess this all comes to mind because as some of you may know, I'm not the best with spending my time wisely. I have too much to do and can't seem to make myself do any of it until the pressure is so tight I am about to break. I think that is indicative of the fact that this particular fruit needs to be more deliberately cultivated in my life.

Now, the issue of time for me, perhaps better called Procrastination, is something that has been with me for as long as I can remember. And overcoming it is not merely a matter of getting a daytimer and keeping up with it (if only it were that easy). You see, I believe that behavior is never the thing itself. Behavior is the fruit of some tree in a person's life, the root of which remains unseen. And you don't get an apple tree to stop producing fruit by hacking at its apples. Natrually, then, my procrastination won't go away if I merely address the behavior and attempt to not procrastinate. No, the issue goes much deeper than that.

I think what I'm facing here is some sort of mental or spiritual stronghold that has been present with me since my childhood. To a degree, my personality makeup plays a role--I am a social person who would rather be with people than get my work done. At the same time, the requirements of being a responsible adult dictate that I use time wisely and purposefully. So what's the deal then? How do I get past this?

Well, I think if I can get at the root of the problem then the behavior will follow. That's not to say I shouldn't work on the behavior; I just need to recognize that the behavior will see no real or permanent change until the roots have been dealt with. Thing is, I'm not sure what the roots even are. And sometimes its hard to tell. I'll explain what I mean with some personal history.

Some of you may know that a couple years ago I spent roughly six months overcoming an obsessive compulsive germophobia disorder. I was never clinically diagnosed, but it was pretty obvious to most people that I was thus afflicted. It contaminated my thoughts 24-7 and affected my entire outlook on life; also, the skin on my hands was chronically cracked and bleeding from compulsive washing. I was miserable. My mom suggested I talk about it with my pastor at the time, Matt Peterson, and I agreed. When I showed up, Matt didn't have much to say.

"Jared," he said, "I prayed about this before you came and I feel like the Lord is saying that this is an issue of trust."

"Trust?" I was incredulous.

"Yes," he affirmed, "I think the root of your obsessive compulsive behavior stems from a lack of trust in the Lord."

And he was right. I didn't believe him at first because I had no idea how trust could possibly have been the issue. Germophobia, while irrational to the non-afflicted, is a matter of scientific and practical fear to the one who suffers from it. Germs are real, everyone has them, and most people really don't pay attention to what they or other people touch. To make things worse, a lot of peole don't really wash their hands very well at all. So part of the issue was the fact that I could ground my fears in science and reality. What did trusting God--a rather abstract idea--have to do with the physical reality of people and germs? In addition, I felt like I had really learned how to trust God and in a lot of ways that was true. Nonetheless, I decided to give Matt the benefit of the doubt; besides, I could feel the Lord nudging me and confirming what Matt said in my heart. I decided I would not worry about the behavior--just let it be what it is--and just focus on trusting God. I memorized Scripture, worshiped, and just spent time with Him, not focusing on or worrying (as best I could) about me or the issue at hand.

And it worked. Within a month most everyone noticed a substantial difference, and not long after that I had almost completely come through it. One co-worker had even thought that I had been using medication. And I guess he was right, if you consider Jesus to be a medication.

So my point is that fruits and roots don't look anything alike, and yet the former is completely dependent on the latter. We see fruits all the time. When ever do we see roots? This is why King David implored the Lord, "Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, And lead me in the way everlasting" (Psalm 139:23-24). This also is my prayer.

Right now the fruit in my life that needs to go is Procrastination. The fruit that needs to grow is Self Control. The first is a fruit of the Jared; the second is a fruit of the Spirit. This means that to an extent I cannot overcome this affliction (can Satan cast out Satan? Or, more to the point, can Jared cast out Jared? The answer is no.) Self Control, to reiterate, is a fruit of the Spirit. It is Christ in me, the Holy Spirit in me, that grows these fruits in me. How useless is it for me to read of any fruit of the Spirit, and then of myself try to make that happen? How futile. How foolish. (This isn't a cop-out, or me shucking responsibility. It's the time-old revelation that I am human and incapable, in and of myself, of becoming who I am called to be.)

In the end I guess the point is that I know the fruits that need coming and going, but at the moment I'm still searching out what the roots may be. And if I am a branch on His vine (John 15), then the life that flows in me is not mine but His, and therefore these old and dead fruits need pruning. One thing I'm sure of is that the root of the Procrastination (and generally poor time management) probably looks very little like the fruit itself. Perhaps it is again a trust issue; maybe it is an issue of identity, or fear. I don't claim to know, exactly. But I do know that I'm ready to tackle this and that a big part of it is looking not at me, but at Jesus, who is the only one who can really do anything about it. And I have no doubt that He will deal with this in me as I present my heart to Him and allow Him to do what needs to be done. He is a faithful God.

As a final note, I want to exhort all of you reading this: Whatever bad fruit you are dealing with in your life, know that the fruit is not the issue. Hack at it all you want, but it will always grow back. Rather, discover the root, the thing in your heart that is unseen by you, maybe something you feel like you're already pretty good at in other areas. Also, remember that your focus need not be on the fruit or its presence, or even necessarily on the bad root it comes from. Take these into account, certainly, and present them to the Lord; but as with my experience with OCD, remember that the key is focusing on the Lord and the good fruit He is bringing in stead of the old that needs going. You can't grow the fruit of the Spirit; only the Spirit can do that. And He will. He is a faithful Father, Gardener, and God.

Love to you all.